Although finding the path to FI can be exciting, it can be frustrating to have difficulty communicating this vision to your family and friends. Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project, sheds some light on the Four Tendencies or people and how to communicate with each tendency.
Gretchen’s Story
Gretchen is an Upholder by nature. She walked away from a Supreme Court clerk position to become a successful writer and made her dream of writing come true. Along the way, she uncovered the Four Tendencies that can help you understand your own and other people’s outlooks on life better.The Four Tendencies
Gretchen developed the Four Tendencies later in her writing career with her book, The Four Tendencies. Before writing this book, she had written others including Better Than Before, which led her into the territory of habits. Once she started thinking about habits, she wanted to understand the reasons why different people thought about the concepts of habits differently. Some people enjoyed New Year’s resolutions, others thought they were too arbitrary. Some people could regularly exercise with a group but couldn’t get out the door by themselves. Listen: Atomic Habits After some careful digging, Rubin uncovered the Four Tendencies. She built this framework to help understand how people approach things differently.The Four Tendencies, which is a personality framework that explains how people come to these situations from different perspectives, they have different challenges…If you understand how someone has a different perspective or a different kind of challenge, you can set things up in a way where it will work for both of you because a lot of times, we just assume everybody sees the world [the way] we do.A lot of times, we assume that other people see the world in the same way that we do. When they don’t and we are baffled that they have a different perspective. You can use the framework to better understand where someone else is coming from and work towards a solution that you can both accept. Otherwise, you’ll just “throw spaghetti at the wall” until something sticks or works. However, this trial and error approach can be a very frustrating process. The quiz that Rubin created is very specific. Unlike a broad personality test, it is not trying to paint an entire picture of your personality. Instead, it is only trying to uncover a small slice. Even though it doesn’t show you the whole picture, it is a significant aspect. Resource: The Four Tendencies Quiz
Uncovering The Four Tendencies
Building a way to look at people’s personalities is very difficult. In fact, Rubin claims it was the most difficult mental exercise of her life. And she served as a Supreme Court clerk! After thinking about it in many different ways, she suddenly realized that there are two types of expectations. Inner and outer expectations.There are two kinds of expectations people fall into or experience. Outer expectations like a work deadline or a request from a friend; and then, inner expectations, which is my own desire to keep a New Year’s resolution. My own desire to write a novel in my free time. My own desire to get back to playing guitar. As I started thinking about it, I realized that people experience outer and inner expectations differently.When she boiled it down to inner and outer expectations, it created only four possibilities for different tendencies. After all, you can only accept or resist inner or outer expectations. Of course, there is some grey area because the tendencies are a spectrum. Additionally, the book dives into the nuanced details to explain the concept. Once you understand the tendencies, it can be very easy to pick out other people from your circle.
Your Values
In addition to your tendencies, a lot of what you do depends on your values. For example, a Rebel might seem inconsiderate. However, if they place a high value on being good citizens or doing things out of love, then they may be very helpful. Listen: The Why of FIBreaking Down The Four Tendencies
Let’s take a closer look at each of the tendencies below.Upholder
An Upholder readily meets both inner and outer expectations. They typically meet work deadlines or keep New Year’s resolutions without any fuss.Discipline is my freedom.Brad and Gretchen both fall into this category.
Questioner
This individual questions all expectations. They will do something if they think it makes sense. They will not do something if they think it is arbitrary or unjust. It needs to meet their inner standard.I’ll comply if you convince me why.
Obliger
An Obliger needs accountability. They care about outer expectations but not about inner expectations. If they want to meet inner expectations, then they need to create outer accountability. For example, if they want to read more then they should join a book club.You can count on me and I’m counting on you to count on me.This is the most common tendency. If you need help with accountability, then check out the Better app.
Rebel
A Rebel resists all expectations, both outer and inner. They want to do what they want to do in their own way in their own time. They value the freedom to do something in their own way and they often love a challenge. Typically, they don’t want to tell themselves what to do. For example, they are unlikely to sign up for an exercise class on a Saturday.You can’t make me and neither can I.This is the least common tendency.